Your life might suck but what about his?

I've been seeing this guy around town for the last year or two, but lately I've been noticing him on the sidewalk bench near Alma & Oregon Expressway. He's easy to recognize, he's always wearing plastic bags for shoes and his shopping cart is always near by. (Click photo to enlarge.)

I saw him last week, I saw him Christmas Eve, and I even saw him at 10 p.m. on Christmas night as I was driving home in the pouring rain. I could see that he was sitting under his tarp to keep dry. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. And here he is in the same place, a day after Christmas.

Feeling guilty?

Happy new year!

Christmas top ten

The ten best things about Christmas:

10) Re-uniting with family & friends.

9) Christmas chocolates with booze inside.

8) Snow Miser and Heat Miser from The Year Without a Santa Claus.

7) Ski season.

6) Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale and it's 6.8% alcohol content.

5) Turning out the lights and ignoring the Christmas carolers' knock at the door.

4) Days off from work.

3) The dog not understanding the concept of a Christmas tree, and pissing on it.

2) The now infamous fireplace scene on TV with holiday music. It's especially exciting when you see them stoke the fire and add a log!

1) It doesn't happen again for another year!

Humble pie

My Christmas assignment: bring pies and ice cream to the family gathering.

Pies? What do I know about pies? I certainly couldn't make one. This was going to have to be a purchase.

I thought about this for a sec. Where does one buy a pie? Safeway? Naw, I couldn't show up with an Entemann's pie, could I? What about Marie Calendar's? Is that place still around? And if it is, would it have a pie line as long as the Honey Baked Ham store does for holiday hams?

Then a friend suggested Whole Foods. I shuddered at this thought, too, as I knew wat it meant; Democrat Alley. This is an area of Palo Alto I avoid like the plague. It's where homelessness meets Whole Foods. Who knew the homeless could afford those astronomical prices!

I prepared for this journey as best I could. I put on my holey Levis. Then my Birkenstocks. Then a natural wool sweater.

As I approached Whole Foods, I was getting looks already. They could see through my disguise. They knew I voted for George W in the last election. The only question now was would I get service?

When I walked through the sliding glass doors, what was the first thing I saw? PIES!!! I quickly grabbed a pumpkin pie and an apple pie and headed to the express line. I was out of there before you could say Hillary Rodham Clinton. But the bag boy did pause long enough to give me the stank-eye. He knew I was a Republican.

What about the ice cream? No Ben & Jerry's for me. I'm off to Safeway for that.

I saw Elvis at the cleaners at noontime

I remember back in my college days when Mojo Nixon was popular among my demographic. He penetrated the alternative college music scene with songs like, "I'm in Love with Your Grilfriend" and "Moanin' with Your Mama." One of my favorites Mojo tunes was "Jesus at McDonalds," where he blurts out, "I saw Jesus at McDonald's at midnight!"

Well, I couldn't help but think of that song today. You see, I swear I saw Elvis at the cleaners at noontime.

I've seen Elvis before, though. And if anyone is looking for him, you can find him living right accross the street from my cleaners at the Palo Alto Hotel. His new handle is "James Swyner," at least according to the pigs (no pun intended).

The Palo Alto Hotel is one of these places that rents by the day, week or month. Sorry, they don't have hourly rates -- it's just not that kind of a place. But seedy hotels like this do provide affordable housing for those who might otherwise find short-term shelter too expensive, especially if they are subject to the revolving door of the County Jail or find it difficult to provide adequate references.

Elvis hasn't been up to much good over the years. A quick scan of the California Registered Sex Offender website indicates that James "Elvis" Swyner is indeed living at 425 Emerson St. And his rap sheet includes violations for "lewd and lascivious acts with a child under 14 years of age."

The lost art of the execution

Ok, so my previous rant was about how Tookie Williams deserved no consideration for his post-murderous attempt at redemption and should die based on his crimes, and that’s what happened. Thanks, Arnold. However, as the world saw, clean execution of the execution isn’t always easy to do, at least now a days, with the so-called “humane” lethal injection.

Whoever decided that lethal injection is more humane than other execution methods needs to re-evaluate. Lethal injection has to be one of the nastiest methods of execution, regardless of what the Department of Corrections thinks. What part of strapping someone down to a gurney, arms spread, inserting IVs into both arms and finally pumping three separate chemicals into the subject is humane? Especially when you hear about the medical staff taking several minutes to find a vein? For someone like me who can't stand needles, this would positively be the worst way to die.

And what's up with San Quentin performing lethal injection in the gas chamber? Witnesses can't properly see the action with the victim laid out horizontally on the gurney! The gas chamber was intended for the subject of the execution to be sitting vertically in a chair. San Quentin really needs to upgrade its execution facilities if it plans to continue with this method. But I hope they don’t. I prefer some of the more historical methods of execution.

For the sake of this post, let’s take another look at some of the fun we’ve been missing since lethal injection became the execution method of choice…

Firing squad: What ever happened to this quick and effective method? For me, the firing squad truly defines the word “execution.” This process used five sharp shooters -- each equipped with a rifle and a live round -- expertly aiming and firing a bullet into the subject’s heart. The only caveat was that one shooter received a blank shell instead of a live bullet, therefore creating doubt about which shooters’ bullets actually killed the convict. Presumably, that doubt allowed the sharp shooters to sleep at night. In any event, this method was quick, effective and dramatic. The only downside: it was a bit bloody.

Gas chamber: When I was a kid, I always thought I'd prefer this method if I was ever executed. (Don’t all kids think about that?!) But then I later learned that cyanide tablets dropped into hydrochloric acid creates such nasty concoction of fumes that the person being put to death froths at the mouth, experiences uncontrollable and undesirable bodily functions, and has spastic convulsions. It’s just a flat out violent and disgusting way to die. This method is truly cruel and unusual punishment.

Electric chair: This is another sinister method of execution. Imagine all of the fun of the gas chamber but as an added bonus, your eyes might even pop out of their sockets.

Stoning: This method is probably dated and not worth serious consideration, but I wanted to cover my bases here. Besides, for the participants, this could be solid entertainment. Probably best if you involve the whole family, pack a picnic lunch and make a day of it.

Hanging: Like the firing squad, this is a proven winner. Even if the jolt at the end of the fall from the gallows doesn't break the victim's neck and instantly kill him, the rope around his neck with surely strangle him. Public hangings are really the fan favorite, and they get my vote for preferred method of execution. Why the Untied States can't see the beauty of killing while publicly humiliating the criminal is beyond me. I'd have to think that is the best deterrent for anyone out there considering committing murder.

Guillotine: Also best when done in public. Actually, can it be done any other way? Quick and effective. But like the firing squad, it’s a bit bloody. And then there's always the question of what to do with the head.

Now that California did the right thing and executed Tookie, it needs to take the next logical step and reinstate a tried-and-true method of public execution.

Tookie & the death penalty

As I write, Arnold Schwartzenegger is pondering the fate of Stanley "Tookie" Williams, a San Quentin inmate sentenced to die this upcoming Tuesday. Tookie was convicted for killing four people in two separate Los Angeles incidents in 1979.

Over the years, my opinion of the death penalty has vacillated between pro-death penalty and anti-death penalty. If our legal system were accurate, swift and efficient, I'd be for it. You kill and you shall be killed. End of story.

But our legal system is slow and cumbersome, and it costs far more to carry out the death penalty than it does to incarcerate a convict for life. So, on that basis, I'm against the death penalty. I see no need to spend any more money on convicted murderers than we must.

But as long as we have the death penalty on the books with people on death row, I say kill the bastards. If we don't have the balls to do it, we shouldn't have the law. It's that simple.

I'm amazed that Arnold and the rest of the politicians cannot make a decision on Tookie. It seems so cut and dried to me. In 1981, a jury was convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that Tookie committed these murders, so they convicted him and he was sentenced to die. What are we waiting for? Why are we spending more time, energy and money to defend this criminal? Did he give any consideration to his victims before he killed them?

The pro-Tookie camp says that Tookie is a changed man. The mass murderer and co-founder of the Los Angeles Crips gang deserves to live, they say, because he can now help others improve their lives by dissuading them from a life of crime. And he has written children's books opposing gang life.

Give me a break.

What Tookie has accomplished since the murders is irrelevant to me. His chance to contribute to society ended the second he killed those four people. After all, how many books have Tookie's victims written since he pulled the trigger? That's right, none. And that's the same amount of opportunity Tookie should be given. The fact that he has even been allowed to distribute books to children ought to make us all shake in our collective boots. A convicted murderer is the last person who should have access to the minds of children, regardless of intent.

Although marginally effective, I do believe in rehabilitation for criminals. However, I draw the line on mass murderers. Once you end opportunity for others, your opportunities should also end, I believe. No exceptions.

Arnold, make the right decision and send the right message. We owe this man nothing, and he deserves to die. I, for one, am tired of paying Tookie's lawyers. And I'm tired of buying his lunch.

Fuck Tookie.