Do me a solid

Why is it that when I hear the phrase, "Do me a solid," it sounds more like a reference to feces than a request for a favor?

I'm not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that!)

Why is it that so many chicks at work think I live in San Francisco? Do they think I'm gay because I'm bald, unmarried and in my 40s? And because they think I'm gay, they think I live in San Francisco??

I'm calling bullshit on this. I like to pork women with their ankles behind their ears like any red-blooded man -- and I'm gonna tell that to the next chick who asks me if I live in SF!

European Eating?

When I was a kid growing up, I was taught to cut my food and then put down the knife and return my fork to my right hand. After all, I am right handed.

So what's up with all these people who dine with utensils in both hands all the time?They cut their food bite-by-bite and and shovel food into their mouth with the left hand holding the fork upside-down. Am I the only person who finds this offensive? Isn't it bad manners to put an upside-down fork into your mouth?

The best fifteen dollars I ever spent

Jen and I bailed work early and drove down to Monterey to catch Cracker play an "acoustic duo" show at Monterey Live.

When we arrived to the venue around 6:00 p.m., the doors were locked so we walked down to a nearby Irish pub. After a quick drink, we walked back over to Monterey Live and got right in.

This place is SMALL! Jen said the fire rating on the music hall was something like 129, so the entire three rooms of the place couldn't hold many more than 200.

Being so early, we had our choice of small tables in the music hall. We oped for two seats on the isle, three rows back from center stage.

Sweet! This was too good to be true. A man a few seats down had a video camera set up on a table in front of him.

They said the show would start and they weren't kidding. As Johnny Hickman and David Lowery walked on stage, I looked down at my watch: 7:03 p.m.

David and Johnny took us through a great sampling of Cracker toons from over the years, and even played a few new tunes from the upcoming album, "Sunrise In the Land of Milk and Honey."

As the night went on the place filled up and got louder, but that's not saying anything. It didn't take much. Nonetheless, this was a great intimate show in a small venue. Shows like these are priceless -- and tickets were only $15!

Provided by the Management for Your Protection

Needing to take a leek today, I headed into the office bathroom. Both of the urinals were taken, so I opted for a stall.

As I stood and relieved myself, I found myself staring at the dispenser for the paper toilet seat covers behind the toilet. "Provided by management for your protection," the dispenser read. Then a flurry of questions entered my brain.

Who is the management, why do they care so much about providing toilet seat covers and what do they think they are protecting people from?

Traffic School

About the only good news from my whole red light ticket experience is that I discovered online traffic school.

That's right, today's technology allows you to attend traffic school via the internet!

Sure, I had to pay another "admisinstrative fee" to the court to attend traffic school, but once that was received, they sent me instructions on how to attend traffic school -- online or in person.

Of course, I selected the online variety. Cost: $14.95.

No more sitting in a Junior High classroom at night listening at some asshole-recovering-alcoholic telling you how to drive! Hallelujah! Also, I was able to complete the "8 hour" online course in under two hours.

Okay, glad that's over.

The verdict

Today I received the verdict for my Trial by Written Declaration for my automated red light violation at the intersection of El Camino Real and Ravenswood Avenue in Menlo Park.

The verdict: Guilty.

That was it. No other explanation. No written testimony from the Menlo Park Police Department was provided to me.

What a rip-off! There was no trial here. They just checked a box saying I was guilty!

According to Ticket Assassin, I could file for a Trial de Novo (New Trial) and appear in person in the San Mateo County Court, but I think I've spent enough time on this. And there's no guarantee the verdict will be any different.

Looks like I'm out my $378.50. And I'll probably have to pay even more for Traffic School.

There's nothing I can't stand more than bullshit violations like this intended to line the City's coffers and not much else. It's just like the parking Nazis in San Francisco. It's all just a revenue scheme.

I don't know about you, but I'm not happy about the direction that society is going.

I think I'm about ready to move to Montana and build me a little cabin.

My defense

Last week I received my Instructions to Defendant as how to submit my defense for my Trial by Written Declaration to San Mateo County Superior Court for my automated red light ticket. Using advice from Ticket Assassin, I crafted my letter using the defense that Menlo Park's red light sensors sat beyond the intersection limit line, therefore not accurately recording when I entered the intersection.

The photo evidence suggested that I entered the intersection one-half of one second after the light turned red, but how did they really know? By using this defense, I expect them to tell me.

According to the Instructions to Defendant document, "After the clerk receives the Request for Trial by Written Declaration, the clerk will notify the officer who issued the citation. The officer will be given an opportunity to submit a declaration regarding the citation by a specified due date. You will be notified by mail of the court's decision."

Maybe the holidays wont give them time to respond? I'm feeling good about my chances.

I again walked down to the post office and sent my defense documents via certified mail. I should hear back in the next 30 days or so.

CVC 40519(b) Written Not Guilty Plea

After receiving my Notice of Traffic Violation from Redflex Traffic Systems on Tuesday for an automated red light traffic violation, I received my official "Notice of Bail" from the San Mateo County Courthouse yesterday. This is my green light to officially submit my not guilty plea by mail and request a Trial By Written Declaration as allowed by California Vehicle Code 40902.

I wrote up my Written Not Guilty Plea (CVC 40519b) as prescribed by TicketAssassin, walked down to the post office and mailed the letter, with a check for my $378.50 bail, via certified mail to the courthouse. TicketAssassin tells me the courthouse will reply to me with forms on how to submit my defense by mail. After I submit those forms to the court, the Menlo Park Police will be required to submit a written response and my case will be decided. If the Menlo Park Police fails to respond, my case will be dismissed and my bail will be refunded.

Automated Red Light Ticket

Today I recieved a Notice of Traffic Violation on behalf of the Menlo Park Police Department, courtesy of Redflex Traffic Systems Inc, of Phoenix, Arizona.

The notice for failure to stop at a red light was nice and neat, complete with photo evidence which I posted below. They also provided a video of the alleged trafiic violation on Redflex's website, and in my opinion, the evidence is inconclusive.

Man, if there's one thing I relish its a good fight with the pigs. While the ticket fine might not be worth my time (though it is for $378.50), I'm doing this one in the name of sport. Besides, I've found some defense help in TicketAssassin.com. And TicketAssasin says the best way to fight this type of ticket is by mail, so there will be no time kill at the courthouse!

Stay tuned as my fight mounts...

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