The Beast of Burton

I was always happy to show-off my perfectly sculpted body until the thing showed up. It was a beast, and it made me ashamed. I tried and I tired to make it go away, but it only got bigger. I finally went to the dermatologist and asked for a diagnosis.

"It's a clogged oil duct," said the doctor, looking at my mid-back.

"What do you mean, a big zit?" I asked.

"Well, yes and no," said the doctor. "It's like a zit, but it's much deeper under the skin. It won't pop, it will stay with you unless you have it removed."

That was five years ago.

Sure enough, five years later, the beast was still there. At least until earlier today.

I arrived on time to my 10:30 appointment to have my cyst excised, and the nurse promptly showed me to the "procedure room."

"Take your shirt off and lie down there," instructed the nurse.

I complied with her request. Then she stuck a big blue patch to my side.

"That's so you don't get a shock," said the nurse.

"Wha?" I said.

"A shock," said the nurse. "They'll need to cauterize and the grounding pad prevents you from being shocked."

Great, I thought to myself.

"The doctor will be with you in a minute," said the nurse.

Sure enough, the doctor and another nurse soon entered the room.

"Oh, that must be the critter right there," said the doctor, touching the beast as she spoke.

"Uh, yep," I said.

The doctor then requested a pen from the nurse and drew something on my back around the cyst. She could have drawn a face for all I know.

"This is going to sting a little," said the doctor as she shot-up my back with local anesthesia.

Less than 5 minutes later the doctor asked me to tell her if I felt any pain as she created an incision. Surprisingly, I felt nothing. Seems this anesthetic works better than what the dentist gives me.

The doctor was going to town. I could hear her scissors cutting, and I clutched the table.

"Are you breathing over there?" the doctor asked me.

"Yes. Well, maybe not," I said. "But I'm alive. I can hear you cutting," I said.

"How are you doing?" the doctor asked.

"Uhhh, fine," I replied. "Just wondering what you are doing, but don't tell me, I don't want to know."

"You are going to loose some weight," the nurse said with a laugh.

"You are having a baby," said the doctor.

"Yes, I'm embarrassed what my body has created," I said.

"So, how's your daughter?" the nurse asked the doctor.

"Oh she's doing great. She's in China right now with a friend. My daughter is better traveled than her mother," said the doctor.

I tried to interject in the conversation, but they didn't really find my contributions interesting.

Then I heard a crackling sound and I smelled somethng burning. Nasty smell I thought, then I realized I was smelling my own burning flesh. The doctor just cauterized the incision.

Eventually I heard them talking about different stitch techniques, so I knew they were sewing me up.

"Ok, all done," said the doctor. "We'll have the piece examined by a pathologist and the office will call you with the results."

For a second there I almost asked to see the piece, but I thought better of it.

"Uh, okay," I said. "Thanks, doctor."

The nurse wiped down the incision and put a bandage over it.

"Ok, you are good to go," she said.

I put my shirt on and walked out of the room feeling extremely violated. Then I made my appointment to return to have my stitches removed.

What a day, and it's only 11:00 a.m.